DAYS without output are still going on ...Don't know why not able to concentrate for interview 2013 cgl and CGL 2014 mains.

Gud news coming from that girl side ..her mamaji(maternal uncle) told one of my relatives that she wanted to marry me and that relative conveyed that msg to my mother ..wat I can say on this is that ..thanks ..itni izzat badhane k liye ...but a fool like doesn't deserve you ..mujhe itni sharam kyn aati h(why I am such a shy person ....ki kissi aur ki feeling bi kabool nahi kr pa raha huin..means not able to accept others feeling)

1)Mujhe jaldi se jaldi apni preparation start krni hogi ...kyn kyn aisa ho raha h ....abhi bahut sapne poore karne h ..

mera sirf karmo par adhikar h ..uske phall per nahi ...tum shraisth bano ..karmyogi bano ...filhal to fever se grast huin ..aur khush kabhri ye h ki iss baar cough 1-2 din hi raha ..it means shayad mera disciplined tarreeke se roj jogging and right food habbit ab asar karne lagi h ..aur smoke ka asar khatam hota ja raha h ...

issi ummeed k saath ki nxt year iss time tak delhi Police main SI lag chukka huin ...lekin mehnat krte raho ..

ekla chalo ekla chalo ....

AAJ DHARMENDRA ji ka bi janamdin h ...baghwaan unhe deergh aayu de

ah ..after a long long time writing this ..yes went through an extreme dull period , really ye vo phase h jisme kuchh bhi karne ki ichha nahi ho rahi ..main chah kr bhi nahi padh pa raha huin ...shayad isliye ki kuchh na kuchh andar disturbance h ...first I thought I would write blog after getting selected in CGL but now emanciating myself frm negative energy and thoughts that's why writing now .
So summarising what had happened during last 2 months .

1) not able to accomplish mission 172 bcz exam was tough especially English section and my silly mistakes even makes it worse ...why I make so much mistakes in exam ...what I concluded is that I have this exam phobia taking lot of pressure on my weak HEART.

2) then on 29th oct ..RESULT was out of CGL 2013 , what a day it was nt day but at late night , can't explain that feeling my hands were really trembling while opening the site of SSC and then while searching my name in interview PDF makes things even worse yes I remember how my throat was chocked , how my hear was beating and after all this filmy emotional scene which ended in sad ending ...."my name was not there in the list " bcz of devastating cut off 424.50 .(what I and all other social networking people including neetu singh were expecting around 405 -410 and my expected score according answer keys of ssc and paramount was around 418-420)

Really all  my hopes got vanished , bunch of thoughts came into my mind but the most prominent was that HOW LONG MY FATHER AND MY MOTHER WOULD WAIT FOR GOOD NEWS .
I have wasted there one more year .My brother , future IPS was studying in the next room I went to him and told this sad news and at that time I even forgot that there should be one more list for those candidates who had qualified for NON INTERVIEW  post . He was having sympathy for me bcz cut off had increased around 75 marks from what it was in 2012 . Then I told him that my name should be there in non interview post .

Then I start searching 2-3 more pdfs which were uploaded by SSC but still my heart and my mind were not in proper place ...conclusion not able to see my name in any of the lists which were there

Then we both went to sleep but I was not able to sleep after a long time I was crying , cursing myself for this result bcz I had searched few name which were known to me and they were there ...ENVY


after an hour I stood out of my bed and start searching each PDF again ..AH at last my name was there in NON interview list ...oh god what a relief


3)After the result I could see the pain of my friend VINAY , after few days of the result he stopped speaking to me and the reason was well known to me ...really I haven't expect this kind of behaviour from him but WAQT balwan h ..WAQT ka har SHEH gulam....but he should also realize that for the last few months he was preparing for CIVIL services and SSC demands practice of both math and English.

KOI nahi ek aur dost gaya ...ab koi nahi h ...sab mujhe 1-2 dhoka de chuke h sirf ek ko chhodh k BISHT..Ye vo daur h jo main kabhi nahi bhoolunga ...

4)TWIST ...hahhahaha..what a twist it was ...SSC lowers down the interview cut off to 420 and my name find the place where I wanted ...thanks god ....thank u bholenath..tu ne mere PAPA ki izzat rakh li

5)LEKIN main ab bhi nahi padh raha huin ....aaj CHOTU ki behen ki sagai h aur DEOL ki bhi ...aaj chotu aur BISHT se milke aata huin ...ye mere vo 2 dost h jinko m ain college time apne chakkro main phasana nahi chahta tha ..BISHT aisa dost jo meri khushi m mujhse jyada khush hota h ...kal se padhai start krta huin .....lekin aaj kal ye bhi problem ho rahi h dimag blank sa ho raha h...


6) Jogging karte time shin pain fir start ho gaya ye vo dard h jo mere aur delhi police SI k beech rukawat paida kr sakta h...

7)USKI ki pic aaj bhi FB pr dekh leta huin ..

tyaari theak thaak chal rahi h..kal test deta huin aur fir dekhunga ki MISSION 172 m kya kami h .

kuchh bhi ho iss bar har haal m 172 lane h ...enough is enough ..ab to aandu paandu bhi kehte h "concept" k bare main gyaan dete h ..... ye kya ho raha .bholenath n kuchh tagda hi soch rakha h ..yaa to top ya pure botton ..let's see ....kal SI ka mains h main nahi de raha huin ...nxt yr dekhte h ab o OBC ka certificate bana hua h ,,,,,,,,,,,

SI pre result and SSC Mains exam

Ah ..Last sunday I had SSC mains exam 2013 (Re- exam) , hoping to get my name in interview call . it gives me immense satisfaction that I did well in my main exam , more than I used to expect . though my well(satisfaction) level may not be sufficient to get a gud job but i'm the  person who get satisfied very easily , don't know why I have this kind of attitude . I know many people who were average or below average during school days and they are scoring 60-70 marks more than me but still not satisfied .

I confess that I have this jealous nature and this is the main reason of my downfall in present and future also . I see people around me who were no that gud enough to join army , navy or any reputed government job but now they are all there and i'm sitting at home in the same room and same chair which I used to sit in my 10th standard. I know I should not judge others but yes it's true they are not that gud enough .
one can see my pessimism , that even after performing well in my mains exam i'm more concerned about others . I don't know how to end these thoughts . I don't even realize how world has changed around me and even today after seeing these i'm not giving my 100% , which really concern me . I lack this perseverance characterstics , ek aag jo mujhe jalaae rakhe . ...Bholenath please help ..give me some enlightenment that I could fulfil my father's dream . now every time I see my father I rarely make eye contact with him ..why me and you(bholenath) giving pain to the greatest man of this world . I want nothing in my life just to give that momentary happiness that his son's name is in UPSC list . God you are free after that .

vinay ke liye bhi dukhi huin .. as he was preparing for civil from the beginning of this year and lost practice of maths ..not able to perform to his expected level .

Now both of has to start preparing for SSC CGL-14 , which is going to be held on the 19th of next month . Kuchh bhi ho jaye iss baar ssc ka topper bann na h ..bahut ho gay a,..enough is enough ..

Now the time has come that people should know Mahipal ka ladka competition main utra h .

MISSION 172 . in pre started .

SI pre ka bhi result aa gaya , as expected awarded 0 marks . JEEVAN mein ek baar SI jaroor lagna h ..koi baat nahi nxt year pakka... 

now my ssc pre coaching is over and have to start and to maintain my study flow for at least nxt 3-4 months and  from today onwards can't make any excuse that this part in math/GS/English is not taught .......... to be true to whom I was making these lame excuses it is I  no one else .

But last week was not a normal week ..one of my friend did his biggest mistake and from the core of my heart I would say things between vi , su and me will not be same again .

Lesson learnt :-
1) kasme wade pyar wafa ye sab batein baton ka kya ..koi kissi ka nahi h pagle .

Result :-
Lost my most trustworthy friend , after seeing his message to another friend ,really felt that he was hiding so many things in his heart and it was really painful that the root cause of all that is MONEY .

to which I considered till this day a least important in my life and no importance in friendship .

During my employment days much part went to financing my friends .

2) it's came to know about it early , now no more friends , this small heart can't take more ..it's ENOUGH.

I agree money is important and it plays an important part in every relationship but I can't imagine that my friend would reach at that bottom level and now he is giving  "excuse" that bcz of a particular personal problem he did that.

On this I completely agree that he got a real a very huge issue at home for which I also felt many times that I can't help his family but I also know that it can't be mixed or become an excuse for what he did last week ..

ab kaun h ...sirf ghar wale jinke liye kabhi kuchh nahi kiya ..unki ummeede todi ...wo kehte rahe dost k peeche itna matt pagal ho ...aur aaj sahi mein garv se keh sakta huin jis dost par jitna bharosa kara usne utna hi zor se chhoora ghopa ...kai to aise h 2-3 baar ghonp chuke h lekin main halke m le leta huin

why it is so that I take many heavy things lightly ...may bcz of my weak WILL POWER .
 

didn't study today ..bcz I had wonderful exam yesterday . how can I forget yesterday , I have been waiting for that day since 26 oct 2013 , the day on which I failed to pass delhi police SI physical . that was really shame for me n on that I promised myself that I will quit all the things to which I was addicted to like sm***, dri** .

but the most interesting part is that after coming out the exam and reaching Navada metro station and just enter my friend's car whom I met him after 10-11 mnths I realized that I forget to fill dots in OMR sheet for test form no though I have written the number but forget to fill the dots ..ahahahaha I don't how to react on this ..no normal person can do this . I've been dreaming for this job since 4th class when my father told me that he was selected as SI in DP in 75-76 but that batch got cancelled . 


n see wat I did ..                                     output

1)     4 yrs of engineering ----            WASTED(degenerated my physical endurance)
2)      2.5 yrs as SSE in an MNC ----  WASTED(become brand ambassador of cough syrup)
3) last year appeared in this exam think it as halua (easy to crack)

can't even discuss this even to closest to closest friend ..but speak about this to that same friend to whom I met yesterday after the exam ..bcz just after 5 minutes with him I realized this guy called me 2 yrs back and told me the same BLUNDER in some other exam which I performed just few minutes before ... n after telling we both were laughing at each other n I was cursing him that It had happened because of him bcz I was feeling exciting during the exam bcz I mind

writing after a long time , last week read autobiography of greatest man of last century i.e Mohammad ali . What a great man he is , how he fight against all the odds and become undisputed greatest boxer .

Really amazed these great man are made up of not only different skin but also very different mind set .
While reading about him I was comparing myself with him and I find how weak I am before him .
Really I need to change whole my area above my arctic circle otherwise will get freezed very soon . Why i'm lacking perseverance and will ..though I have one of the best situation to fight and rise from the dust , why i'm not taking this as an opportunity .

My Situation.

1) Eldest among two brother
2) belong to lower middle class family
3) most part of my father's income (pre retirement) went to paying my n my brother's school , tuition , college(Pvt engineering) , hostel , my monthly expenses during those 4 years and our other monetory dreams which started since we started going to school.

and finally what my father gets in return , to be true NOTHING ....Yes I should be ashamed of myself that since 11 jan 1988 I did nothing for my hero , my ideal , whom I started copying from my early childhood.

what a great man he is , still he is hoping a good news from our end (me n my brother ) and especially from me ... I know it ...ok for today this much is enough .

ah . . good news coming from my younger brother side , he got respectable score in UPSC (mains) though not able to qualify but we should also know that it was his first attempt and I can see my father much more energetic and new lightening in his eyes bcz we all in my family knows that my brother is hard studying person n it's a good thing that now my father will start taking interest in our studies as he used to do in my school days ...not in college days bcz I was 3000 km from him and on phone you have freedom to say that you are studying hard and bcz of some reasons not able to convert that hard work into marks...

yes, after long time something has infused good amount of positive energy into me also ..ok over n out
 

hi there,

well these days seeing things around me as a muck spectator , how people have changed their attitude towards me .Never mind ..how long god will test my patience ..he should know it's not me who is waiting for my good results ..he should know it is my father who hasn't listened a result as desired by him for himself and now me .

this sunday having exam of Delhi police SI let's see... 

now ..I  have to move from these pessimistic n vaahiyaat views ...have to look life really very differently otherwise situation won't uplift ..it will become more severe ...

Now at this point of time to re-start my thinking process , means want to move to optimistic person as iwas till few months back ..always hoping and thinking only "  brighter side" ..always saying dharmendra's apne dialogue " hit it hard before it hits you bad ..maro salli iss zindagi ""...really to re-invent myself as I have no choice , I have to think about my school  and college days ...n most importantly my Hostel days ...I can't control my smile n inner voice which is repeatedly now yelling ...yes those were the best days of my life ...during those days I wasn't focussed but always wanted to fulfil my father's dream ...from childhood I used to listen from my father's friends , uncles and other family members how good he was in studies , field work , sports , his fast bowling , volleyball smashes n sixes , how great fighter he was ....as a kid n till today I always wanted to be like him .

to keep his eyes n nose in straight position I scored well in 10 n 12 ..always involved in sports and did really well ...now today I am promising myself to start working hard for those masculine eyes and  love ,,,which always feel me like a cub because he is and will always be LION to me ... 

last 3 days went like a flash...only thinking about my family future ..how my parents did for me since 11 jan 1988 ...n till now I can't even give them a proper smile ...always they have secret fear for me ...what I will do nxt second bcz i'm unpredictable .. I don't know why this characteristic still has some traits in me ...I 'know this n last blog contain lot of pessimism but it's truth ..even i'm not able to measure the agony of my parents bcz of me ...this month a big exam ahead..... lets see

dharmendra's sher " chal rahe to batane ki jaroorat nahi h ..rook gaye jis din poochhega koi nahi ...jaante h jo dhol vo peet te nahi ..chalte rehte h bus mud kar dekhte nahi "

using blogs as medium to flush out my negative thoughts or to express what i'm thinking nw a days .
bholenath...... give strength to fulfil my father's dream ..till this date you have done very good for me .

pehla blog h ..thinking what to write ...let's start with my present condition and situation ...BE  ...berojgar(unemployed) engineer ...ek haara hua ladka...kabhi mujhse mere maa baap ko ..khaskar papa ko bahut ummedi thi..dosto ko bhi thi ..aur aaj nahi dost h ...aur ho sakta h unki umeede  bhi na rahi ho...bilkul akela ...aisa nahi h ki ab dost bilkul bhi nahi h..but ab  lagne laga h vichhar nahi milte ..aakhir mein 1-2 hi reh gaye ...lekin berojgaari mein aapko kuchh achha nahi lagta.. aisa nahi h ki naukri nahi milli ..i'm berojgar bcz of my choice..kyn ki private m mann nahi laga ...kuchh kaam tha hi nahi ..aisa lagta tha ki mein bhi kaam karne ka dhong kar raha huin ....bus apne aap ko busy dikhate rahe ...aur main thehra jat ..kissi ke haath paanv tod sakta huin lekin pretend nahi kar sakta ...

dukh rahega agar aage apne papa ke liye kuchh nahi kar paya ...filhal ek sarkari naukri ki talaash mein huin ...fir koi bada kaam karunga..jiska papa ne tab se sapna dekha tha ..jab unke sapne toot gaye the ..yaani ki mere paida hone se bhi 10 saal pehle se...aaj itna hi ...ending with dharmendra's dialogue from APNE " success has many fathers but failures has none ..uugte hue soorak ko sab salaam karte h ..."

let's hope